of your face
that tells people you're at home.
~Author Unknown
As I've been learning about bonding, I've been reflecting on the power of a smile.
In her "Taming the Tiger While it's Still a Kitten" CD's, Nancy Thomas talks about smiling as one of the five key components to bonding. She talks about those first months of a baby's life, when the mother holds the baby and nurses her, looking down at her lovingly with a smile in her eyes. She talks about how babies learn to bond through those simple interactions that are often effortless for a new mommy, yet have a profound effect on a baby.
When I thought about that, I realized how true it is. Isn't it so exciting when a new baby gives you that first genuine smile? (The genuine one, not the one that proves only to be gas! ; ) Is there anything so sweet?
Babies learn to smile as a result of bonding. It's something that comes from that first relationship built on love and trust.
The shortest distance between two people is a smile.
~Author Unknown
As I thought about the things Nancy shared about smiling, I couldn't help but feel grieved for Kelly.
She never got held like that in those first thirteen months of her life- lovingly cradled, nurtured and fed as she was smiled down on with adoration. Instead, she got to stare out at nothingness (okay, maybe not nothingness, but at four white walls and a room full of babies) while her bottle was propped up for her to hurriedly suck down, all by herself. No one was holding her- no one was touching her sweet, soft cheeks- no one was smiling down at her for her to smile back at.
I don't mean to be gloomy. I'm thankful she's home now for me to smile at for the rest of her life, but this was her reality those first 13 months of her life: needs unmet... longings unfulfilled. It grieves me to know that my sweet daughter never got to experience that in those first months of her life, and as a result, something inside of her is now broken.
I have noticed for a long time now that Kelly really doesn't know how to smile. If I ask her to smile, she looks at me blankly. If I ask her to show me her teeth, she will grin a cute little toothy grin, but she does not know how to return a smile when smiled at. She does not know how to give and receive those relational cues. I think she's beginning to learn now, like when we played stickers, but just for her to smile back at me when I first smile at her, with no other stimulation, is something she doesn't yet know how to do.
YET being the operative word.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
~Janet Lane
Nancy talks in her CD's about the importance of a smile while working at bonding with a detached child. She says the first thing your baby sees in the morning should be your smiling face, and to continue to give her lots of smiles as you interact with her throughout the day, making every effort to smile with your eyes when looking at her, especially when working on eye contact, such as during feeding times and massages.
because you never know
who's falling in love with your smile.
~Author Unknown
As I think about it, it makes so much sense. I mean, how engaging is a smile? It's so inviting. What better way to draw my baby out of her shell to me, but with a smile?
If you would like to spoil
the day for a grouch,
give him a smile.
~Author Unknown
Nancy says that smiling actually changes the chemicals in your brain for up to two hours after you smile. Isn't that amazing?
So today I am making a point to smile more, not only for the benefit of Kelly (as well as my husband and other two children!), but just for myself. Because after all, if I'm going to have chemicals in my brain, they might as well come from smiling! And I truly do have so much to smile about, and that's the message I want my face to convey.
I pray that my smiles will slowly but surely draw Kelly out, and help us to bond. And one day soon, I hope to post that she gave me her first true smile. Oh, what a day that will be!
6 comments:
Jen this is a beautiful post, as always I love how you are able to articulate such a complicated subject so fluidly. I hope that someday Kelly is able to read some of these posts, and see how hard her Mommy fought for her healing. You are learning so much and you never know who might be helped when you share what you've learned. And this post was a good lesson for all of us, even those of us who aren't dealing with attachment issues.
I know you will be a great success with this new "assignment" in your therapy, after all - I don't know anyone who is better at making people smile!!
Love You,
Jen
WOW!!! Very insightful and very GOOD post. I love how you added the quotes.
I'm going to try to smile even more today!
OH, I forgot.... love the dolphin photo.. really looks like they're smiling.
:0, oops I mean :)
Natalie
Jen,
I have told you this before but I will tell you again. You write so beautifully. You have a gift to write and it is a pleasure to read your posts. I can really feel the sincerity in them and all of the true feelings associated with each post.
The post about smiling is no different. I was just blown away by how you are able to express something and make it so real for all of us. Thank you for sharing these feelings. There is nothing greater than a smile and because of you, I am going to do my best to smile more, not only today, but for the days ahead.
You are amazing in so many ways and I do thank God everyday for bringing you into my life. Although we live miles apart, I feel as though our hearts are intertwined in a very special and small way. What a glorious thing friendship is! I will treasure ours always.
Grinning from ear to ear,
Deb
Jen, I had no idea you were going through so many struggles with Kelly right now. That must be so hard and I think you are doing the right thing by putting so much time and energy into the problem now. Attachment disorder are best overcome at a young age. If you ever have any questions or want to vent about something the psychologist in me is here waiting LOL. I don't necessarily agree with the idea of regressing to infant behaviors although a lot of therapists do so that doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing at all. I think Kelly is testing your commitment to her and you just have to hang on and get through the storm. She has never had anyone love her unconditionally and she thinks you are going to leave eventually. She is afraid of connecting with you because she thinks you are going to go away. By acting out and pulling away, she can in a sense leave you first and protect herself from the rejection. You just need to prove to her through time that you are not going anywhere no matter what she does :)
Hi Jen,
What a GREAT post! Here's a smile from me to you... :)
I know exactly what you mean about feeling sad that Kelly was never held long enough to feel loved.
I think that Hope was well taken care of, she was clean & healthy when we got her, but I always tell Shane that I don't think she ever experienced the feeling of LOVE until she was with us. We were very fortunate and she bonded quickly (but she was also a lot younger than Kelly when we got her) and I'll never forget those first days in China when I would feed her her bottle and she would suck it down so fast, barely grasping breaths in between. It broke my heart that she felt so "rushed" and never had the chance to just be held and loved like a baby should be. She would dig in her ears while she drank and was very irritable. (Finished her bottles in less than 3 minutes). The first time she SLOWLY drank her bottle and held onto my finger instead of her ears, well...that was a HUGE moment for me (and for her).
Hang in there!! You are doing a WONDERFUL job..you're a GREAT mommy! :)
Big hugs,
Cheri
Does she have any advice for 8 1/2 year olds that must also have this Attachment Disorder as well? I truly believe Noah does...and it's not pleasant to say the very least!
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