Ups & Downs

Ahhhhh... hello Blogland!

Nice to see you again!

Here are a couple of pictures of Clint and Kelly playing with stickers- one of Kelly's favorite things to do nowadays. (Thanks again for the stickers, Natalie!)

I continue to carry Kelly a lot during the days, either on my hip or in my baby carrier. It's taking it's toll on my lower back, so I'm sitting more with her lately. She used to HATE sitting with me and would throw a fit until I put her down, but now that that's not working anymore, she's actually accepting it more and more. She has her moments, but the fact that I can sit with her at all is a victory.

She has been very stubborn about eating. She does not like to let me feed her and always tries to feed herself first. This is a typical battleground for control. When I insist, "let mommy feed you," sometimes she plain refuses to eat. That's to be expected, so we just put the food up and try again later. Wouldn't you know it, as time has gone by, she's not refusing to eat much anymore?! But she still tries to feed herself and gets mad when I won't let her. That's okay... I tell her (with a smile on my face) that she has a right to protest! (..doesn't mean she'll get her way, but she can still protest!)
She tolerates me holding her most of the time, but definitely has her moments where she tries with all her might to get me to put her down, or drop her is more like it! She is so strong! Sometimes I feel like I'm wrestling a wild alligator just to keep her in my arms. But I have been able to keep my sense of humor about it for the most part... the hardest part is when I try to snuggle her... she still gets extremely upset. She will scream and cry as if I were putting hot coals down her diaper! One night when I tried to snuggle her, she went into a total rage like nothing we've ever seen. We were all in shock. She got so hot and sweaty her hair was soaked. After it ended and she finally calmed down, it was like she went back into that newborn state- she just stared up at me for the longest time with such a sweet look of vulnerability.
It's so weird to watch happen. It's like she fights it and fights it with all her might, but when I don't let her push me away, she completely melts down. But then, once all the fight is finally out of her, there is a softness that emerges that is absolutely beautiful. It's really an amazing transformation.

All in all, I still have days that end in tears, and days that end in sighs of relief, but most days, I'm just simply exhausted. But in the midst of it all, what I really try to focus on are the little blessings that come throughout the day... a moment where she makes eye-contact without squirming... a relaxed look on her face... being able to sit and hold her without her putting up a fight... watching her sleep in my arms...

I thank God for it all: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know it's a process and healing doesn't come without pain. I think about how God has worked in my own life, and it's always been through the most painful times that I can look back and see that those were the times that I grew most.

I want to end with a big "thank you" for the supportive comments on the last post! I'm so blessed to have so many awesome friends and family that rally behind me. Truly, I mean this with the utmost sincerity- you are the wind beneath my wings!

Here are a few pictures of what I look at all day long nowadays... Kelly in my arms!

Kelly's in my "pouch" here. She's playing with the strings of my hoodie.

In the pouch, signing "daddy" to me...

"Okay Mommy, this has been fun, but can I get down now?"