...that I also nap with Kelly nowadays? It's so hard to let go of being able to get things done (or update my blog!) while she naps, but I know it will be worth it in the long run.
Now here I said I wouldn't be back as frequently, and I'm back on the same day!
I meant to say thanks for everyones sympathies for my terrible neck ache I had for over a week! It's almost completely gone- thank God! Thanks so much for your kind and caring words. It was nice to know I'm not the only one who gets those once in a while.
Also, thanks for all the supportive and encouraging words each of you shared with me as we're dealing with these issues with Kelly. You just don't know how great it feels to have your support and love, especially when we're going through an especially hard time.
Without being too wordy, I really want to share a little bit more of what's happened with Kelly and why we are where we are.
As the months have gone by, Kelly has become more and more independent, stubborn, and strong-willed... at least, that was my perception of her. I thought it was just her personality- which some of it may be- but I've since realized there was more to it than that; I just didn't understand it at first.
She got to the point where she resisted being held at all. Snuggling and cuddling were out of the question. She would whine, wiggle, push, squirm, and eventually scream and cry if I would not put her down. My mistake was that I gave in to it; again, figuring it was just her personality. I didn't want to make her unhappy, so I would put her down when she fussed. (This put Kelly, the baby, in control- not me, the parent...!)
At the same time, Kelly became increasingly destructive. I mean, I know toddlers get into things and test their boundaries, but it was to the point that 90% of our interaction was negative. I was constantly saying, "Stop! No! Don't! Hey! NOOO! Get out of there! Put that down! No touch! KELLY ELISE! UUUGGGGHHHH!"
I was exasperated with her, and frustrated with myself because I was becoming more and more impatient and angry with her as each day passed. I longed to delight in her and enjoy her and connect with her, but she made it nearly impossible. I could tell we weren't bonding- she was actually growing a little bit harder and a little bit more distanced from me every day, and it was breaking my heart.
I began calling my sister at night after especially rough days, and as soon as I would hear her sweet, caring voice, I would lose it completely, sobbing uncontrollably. I felt overwhelmed... incompetent... defeated...hopeless.
Well, my sister happened to be in the midst of dealing with her own issues with her five-year old daughter, Hannah, and had recently learned that Hannah's struggles were attachment-related. She'd found a great book by Nancy Thomas from which she gained invaluable insight into Hannah's issues, and had also found an attachment therapist. As my sister listened to my stories of Kelly's behavior, she began to realize that everything Kelly was doing now, Hannah had done 3 1/2 years ago. She told me to check out Nancy Thomas' website, http://www.attachment.org/ to see what I might find to help me there.
Sure enough, as I poured over Nancy's website, I found several behaviors she labeled as "red flags" to be exactly what Kelly was doing. I found a set of CD's on her website geared specifically for parents of toddlers with attachment issues, and ordered them. They're called "Taming the Tiger While It's Still a Kitten." (They're awesome! I highly recommend them.)
Since I've received the CD's and have started listening to them, I have gained so much insight into why Kelly is the way she is. She's not independent- she's just pushing me away, because love, to her, is scary and painful. Connections in her brain were not made because they can only be made when an infant is experiencing attachment. (There are five keys to attachment, which I will share in a later post.) So Kelly basically learned to suppress that need for love and touch- after all, isn't it too painful to long for something you're never going to get? She learned she couldn't trust or depend on anyone in that first year of her life, so now she's resisting it with all her might.
Her survival instinct is to try to control. That's why she does what she does- pushing me away, constantly acting out and pushing my buttons to get a reaction out of me. That's her way of seeking to be in control.
But what I've learned is that when a baby (or child) gains control like that over her parent, she actually doesn't feel safe, because she's smart enough to know that if she's more powerful than the adult that she's supposed to trust, then she certainly can't trust that adult at all.
So that makes the detached child feel more unsafe, which then, makes them seek more control, and on and on the cycle goes.
Well, let me back up a bit... as I began listening to Nancy's CD, she said a good assessment to figure out if your toddler really is dealing with an attachment disorder or not, would be to pick her up and get right in her face, and just love on her: kiss her cheeks, talk sweet to her and tell her how adorable she is.
Nancy said if she makes no eye contact with you, squirms and fights you like you're setting her on fire, then your child's got an attachment disorder.
So I tried it with Kelly.
I didn't back down and let her push me away like I was accustomed to doing, I got right in her face and tried to talk sweet to her and love on her like Nancy said. When her whining, squirming, and pushing wouldn't get me out of her face, she screamed and cried bloody murder. She never made eye contact with me, and she got so upset that she began to bite herself on her hand and arm. I just couldn't believe it... I mean, how could I have been so blind? She met so many of the other criteria Nancy mentioned for children with attachment disorders, but when I saw that, I couldn't believe how she did exactly what Nancy said she would do if she was indeed dealing with some attachment issues.
So that is how we came to realize we needed to make some major changes in order to help our precious little Kelly work through these issues and open her heart and her mind back up to loving, trusting, and being loved.
Well, I'm afraid I've managed to get wordy despite my best efforts not to... I apologize!
There's so much more I want to share about what I've learned, but I will sign off for now and update again soon. I need to get to bed anyway- it's late! But I just wanted you to know some of the reasons why we've come to the place we are today.
I do have to say, on a good note, that now that I've been holding Kelly all the time, oftentimes in my "kangaroo pouch" (as Nancy calls it... it's actually a Kozy Carrier), Kelly is resisting me less and less, and seems like she actually might be liking it. (Don't tell her I told you that!) She's actually made eye contact with me a few times too, and one time (after one of her worst fits where she started biting herself again), after she finally gave up and was completely exhausted, she just looked up into my eyes for a long time. I was holding her head in my hands, and the look on her face was so sweet and vulnerable... it reminded me of how Caleb and Camryn used to look up at me as newborns. It was one of the best moments I've shared with Kelly so far.
At first, she threw some serious fits though. She hit me, bit me, scratched me, not to mention kicking, crying and screaming until she was blue in the face. She's still doing this off and on. She's a very strong baby, so I'm getting my work outs now, that's for sure!
But every time she throws a fit, I just hold her and shush her, stroking her cheeks and her forehead. Sometimes I have to hug her close to me with her arms down to get her to stop hitting me, but when she finally gives up the fight, it's sooo amazing to feel her little body fold into mine. To feel her body relax when she's close to me- it's something I never realized I was missing until I'm experiencing it now, and it's wonderful.
Don't get me wrong- she still has lots of times where she resists me, but we're making progress, and that's all that matters.
This stuff works. Not that it's not exhausting and draining, because believe me, it is! But at least my exhaustion has a purpose now.
You know, I've been praying for Kelly for a long time, and I do believe this is all a part of God's answer. Thanks for being a part of her story as you pray for her too, and I thank God for His faithfulness to us, and especially, to Kelly. I know He loves her and gave her to us and I'm just thankful He saw fit for me to be her mommy. She is a gift I will be forever grateful for.
I'll try to update again soon!
