I Drank A Diet Vanilla Pepsi...

with dinner, and now I can't sleep!

I should know better than to have caffeine at night.

I have been updating my facebook profile since I'm up past my bedtime. I was working on my Bible study homework (Bad Girls of the Bible- good stuff!) but I got distracted with facebook. I joined this afternoon after a good friend urged me to join again.

Yes, again... see, I tried several months back to join, but it never sent me the confirmation e-mail, so I tried again that same day, and it still didn't send me a confirmation e-mail, so I gave up. I was starting to get a complex that I wasn't good enough for facebook or something... geez.

This time when I attempted to join, it worked! So now I'm on facebook if anyone wants to look me up and be my friend. ;-)

A few things I forgot to mention when I posted earlier...

Why the changes to the blog? (...if you even noticed...)

Well, my mom has been urging me to put our picture back up on the blog... the one of Clint and I...

but I hate that picture. We took it for our dossier in a hurry and I think I'm just sick of it. (Besides, I really prefer to be behind the camera, not in front of it!) But as I thought about putting a picture of us up on the blog, I decided to follow what I started with the kids, with the short description captioning the pictures of them on my sidebar. I was thinking how, when I visit blogs, I often wonder about the family, if the information isn't clearly posted somewhere.

If there isn't a picture of the author, I often wonder what he or she looks like..? (Am I the only one who does that?) I'm just a visual person, I guess. (I still prefer picture books! LOL)

So that's why I decided to do that on the sidebar. It kind of reminded me of the Brady Bunch when I was writing my caption... I think I need to take new photos of us looking up and down at one another- LOL.

The other thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post is that Kelly has been so happy to have her sister back home. Her demeanor has been much better since Camryn's home, so I guess there really was something to that. Here they are, sharing lollipops that their Nanna sent them for Valentine's Day.

You didn't know how literal I was being when I said "sharing" did you? I admit, my inner germophobe was cringing at their Lollipop Love Fest.

Kelly's trying with all her might to either bite it or get the whole thing in her mouth! Camryn's lips are turning blue from the lolli. LOL

Mmmmm... mommy, tell Nanna- lollipops are my new favorite!

I want to share more as we continue with our attachment work, so more to come on that. I don't want it to become the theme of our blog or anything, but I do want to share candidly where we are with it. Not only is it great to chronicle for me, but I figure, you never know who might glean from your experience. I so appreciate it when I can gain insight or wisdom into my situation because someone else was brave enough to share theirs; struggles, victories and all.

Uneventful...

Since I have been sick, we just haven't done much lately, so I have no fun pictures to share... but aren't Kelly's feet cute? I just love her little feet!

I finally went to the doctor yesterday and found out I have a sinus infection, which is why I haven't been getting better. I should be seeing improvements in the next day or two, now that I've got antibiotics in my system. I'm sooo ready to feel good again.

Kelly and I have been drinking more fruit smoothies lately, trying to boost our Vitamin C intake, so these are some shots of her enjoying her smoothie... (including the one of her feet!)

Momma, no more pictures, PLEASE!

Some Days are Good...

some days are bad.

Last Friday (the 13th, mind you~) was a good day. For the first time, Kelly let me snuggle her without putting up a fight. It was glorious. Right after I gave her her night time bottle, I just held her cradled in my arms, and instead of squirming to get down like she usually does, she just laid there and let me cradle her. I held her and looked down into her dark brown eyes and stroked her cheeks and forehead, and not only did she let me, but she even looked back up at me for a long time too. She had such a calm, sweet expression on her face. I couldn't believe it- I wanted someone to pinch me! Clint was amazed too. He was sitting on the couch across from us watching, and I heard him whisper, "Wow..."
It was a little slice of heaven, I tell you. You don't realize how precious those times are with your little ones until you don't get them.

Then there was yesterday...
Yesterday was a bad day. Kelly whined, fussed, and cried almost the entire day. She was very clingy, but unhappy at the same time. Nothing I did helped but for a moment. By the time evening came around, I felt so overstimulated... my ears especially, because I'd been listening to her loud, unpleasant noises all day long, so it started to feel like my eardrums were going to burst. This was day three of a string of less-than-good days, so my patience has been waning.

As I think about it, I think a couple of things have come into play with Kelly's disposition this week... it's so hard to know when they don't talk yet and can't tell you what's bothering them, but this is what I've surmised:

1) Camryn left for camp on Tuesday and has been gone all week. Kelly must wonder where she's gone and why. It may even make her wonder who else is going to go away next... maybe even herself..? (Thank God- Camryn comes home today!)
2) Since I was sick, Clint helped more with Kelly over the weekend. He held her a lot, and while it was good for Kelly to have that time with her dad, I think she got kind-of mad at me for abandoning her. In my "Taming the Tiger..." CD's, Nancy says that's normal when the mom takes a break- that a lot of times the little one will push her away when she returns because baby felt abandoned. So I'm thankful for that understanding and it helps motivate me to keep working at bonding with Kelly even though she's doing everything she can to make it difficult.
3) Kelly's still fighting this nasty cold we've all had. She may just feel bad (like I do), but she has no way to express it other than to act out.

So that's it! Here we are, living life, continuing to have our ups and downs.
That's my update for this week... I'll leave you with a silly picture for your amusement...

Pray For Me... Pray For Others

I saw this on the Riggs Family Blog; an awesome blog I check periodically as I've been praying for their little girl, Abby, whose been undergoing aggressive treatment for cancer; and I thought I'd join in on their "Pray For Me, Pray For Others" Wednesdays.

What they do on Wednesdays is have you post a prayer request; 1) for yourself, and; 2) for someone else. I didn't join their list or anything, but I liked their idea. It never hurts to encourage a little more prayer in the world, right?

1) Please pray for us with Kelly and all of our continuing efforts to work on attachment with her, as well as our health. We've all been sick, except for Clint (so far), and this is a nasty bug that just hangs on. I think we've gone through at least 6 full-size boxes of Kleenex between us, no joke! I just bought 3 more boxes today because we were running out, so we're going on 9! I know colds and sickness are just part of the winter season and we all get them, so it seems a little silly to ask for prayer for it, but it's just where I am.

2) Pray for Paul and Angela's son, Jordan. He's just one year old- newly adopted and has only been home from Vietnam not even two months, and he was recently admitted into the hospital with pneumonia. Please pray for his healing and for peace and comfort for their family.

Thanks so much. Feel free to join in and do this on your blog (if you have one) too. Let me know and I'll be happy to pray for you too.

Sweet Times with Daddy

Clint and Kelly have shared some sweet times in the past few days. I just couldn't help but grab the camera...

Isn't her hair cute up in a ponytail? This is her first official ponytail! (Courtesy of her big sister, Camryn, of course!)

Sharing a smoothie... sooo sweet...

Daddy's reading Kelly's new favorite book to her, "Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?"

Thank you for the book, Natalie. As you can see, Kelly loves it!

Ups & Downs

Ahhhhh... hello Blogland!

Nice to see you again!

Here are a couple of pictures of Clint and Kelly playing with stickers- one of Kelly's favorite things to do nowadays. (Thanks again for the stickers, Natalie!)

I continue to carry Kelly a lot during the days, either on my hip or in my baby carrier. It's taking it's toll on my lower back, so I'm sitting more with her lately. She used to HATE sitting with me and would throw a fit until I put her down, but now that that's not working anymore, she's actually accepting it more and more. She has her moments, but the fact that I can sit with her at all is a victory.

She has been very stubborn about eating. She does not like to let me feed her and always tries to feed herself first. This is a typical battleground for control. When I insist, "let mommy feed you," sometimes she plain refuses to eat. That's to be expected, so we just put the food up and try again later. Wouldn't you know it, as time has gone by, she's not refusing to eat much anymore?! But she still tries to feed herself and gets mad when I won't let her. That's okay... I tell her (with a smile on my face) that she has a right to protest! (..doesn't mean she'll get her way, but she can still protest!)
She tolerates me holding her most of the time, but definitely has her moments where she tries with all her might to get me to put her down, or drop her is more like it! She is so strong! Sometimes I feel like I'm wrestling a wild alligator just to keep her in my arms. But I have been able to keep my sense of humor about it for the most part... the hardest part is when I try to snuggle her... she still gets extremely upset. She will scream and cry as if I were putting hot coals down her diaper! One night when I tried to snuggle her, she went into a total rage like nothing we've ever seen. We were all in shock. She got so hot and sweaty her hair was soaked. After it ended and she finally calmed down, it was like she went back into that newborn state- she just stared up at me for the longest time with such a sweet look of vulnerability.
It's so weird to watch happen. It's like she fights it and fights it with all her might, but when I don't let her push me away, she completely melts down. But then, once all the fight is finally out of her, there is a softness that emerges that is absolutely beautiful. It's really an amazing transformation.

All in all, I still have days that end in tears, and days that end in sighs of relief, but most days, I'm just simply exhausted. But in the midst of it all, what I really try to focus on are the little blessings that come throughout the day... a moment where she makes eye-contact without squirming... a relaxed look on her face... being able to sit and hold her without her putting up a fight... watching her sleep in my arms...

I thank God for it all: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know it's a process and healing doesn't come without pain. I think about how God has worked in my own life, and it's always been through the most painful times that I can look back and see that those were the times that I grew most.

I want to end with a big "thank you" for the supportive comments on the last post! I'm so blessed to have so many awesome friends and family that rally behind me. Truly, I mean this with the utmost sincerity- you are the wind beneath my wings!

Here are a few pictures of what I look at all day long nowadays... Kelly in my arms!

Kelly's in my "pouch" here. She's playing with the strings of my hoodie.

In the pouch, signing "daddy" to me...

"Okay Mommy, this has been fun, but can I get down now?"

Thoughts on Smiling

A smile is the light in the window

of your face

that tells people you're at home.

~Author Unknown

As I've been learning about bonding, I've been reflecting on the power of a smile.

In her "Taming the Tiger While it's Still a Kitten" CD's, Nancy Thomas talks about smiling as one of the five key components to bonding. She talks about those first months of a baby's life, when the mother holds the baby and nurses her, looking down at her lovingly with a smile in her eyes. She talks about how babies learn to bond through those simple interactions that are often effortless for a new mommy, yet have a profound effect on a baby.

When I thought about that, I realized how true it is. Isn't it so exciting when a new baby gives you that first genuine smile? (The genuine one, not the one that proves only to be gas! ; ) Is there anything so sweet?

Babies learn to smile as a result of bonding. It's something that comes from that first relationship built on love and trust.

The shortest distance between two people is a smile.

~Author Unknown

As I thought about the things Nancy shared about smiling, I couldn't help but feel grieved for Kelly.
She never got held like that in those first thirteen months of her life- lovingly cradled, nurtured and fed as she was smiled down on with adoration. Instead, she got to stare out at nothingness (okay, maybe not nothingness, but at four white walls and a room full of babies) while her bottle was propped up for her to hurriedly suck down, all by herself. No one was holding her- no one was touching her sweet, soft cheeks- no one was smiling down at her for her to smile back at.

I don't mean to be gloomy. I'm thankful she's home now for me to smile at for the rest of her life, but this was her reality those first 13 months of her life: needs unmet... longings unfulfilled. It grieves me to know that my sweet daughter never got to experience that in those first months of her life, and as a result, something inside of her is now broken.

I have noticed for a long time now that Kelly really doesn't know how to smile. If I ask her to smile, she looks at me blankly. If I ask her to show me her teeth, she will grin a cute little toothy grin, but she does not know how to return a smile when smiled at. She does not know how to give and receive those relational cues. I think she's beginning to learn now, like when we played stickers, but just for her to smile back at me when I first smile at her, with no other stimulation, is something she doesn't yet know how to do.

YET being the operative word.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

~Janet Lane

Nancy talks in her CD's about the importance of a smile while working at bonding with a detached child. She says the first thing your baby sees in the morning should be your smiling face, and to continue to give her lots of smiles as you interact with her throughout the day, making every effort to smile with your eyes when looking at her, especially when working on eye contact, such as during feeding times and massages.

Always remember to be happy

because you never know

who's falling in love with your smile.

~Author Unknown

As I think about it, it makes so much sense. I mean, how engaging is a smile? It's so inviting. What better way to draw my baby out of her shell to me, but with a smile?

A smile confuses an approaching frown.

~Author Unknown

I have to confess, as I am now making much more of an effort to smile, I realize how hard it is for me. It's not that I mean to frown (unless I'm grumpy- lol), but most of the time, when I realize I'm frowning, it's for no other reason than simply because I'm focused, or concentrating. Yet my facial expression could be sending an entirely different message. Hmmm...?

If you would like to spoil

the day for a grouch,

give him a smile.

~Author Unknown

Nancy says that smiling actually changes the chemicals in your brain for up to two hours after you smile. Isn't that amazing?

Before you put on a frown,

make absolutely sure

there are no smiles available.

~Jim Beggs

So today I am making a point to smile more, not only for the benefit of Kelly (as well as my husband and other two children!), but just for myself. Because after all, if I'm going to have chemicals in my brain, they might as well come from smiling! And I truly do have so much to smile about, and that's the message I want my face to convey.

I pray that my smiles will slowly but surely draw Kelly out, and help us to bond. And one day soon, I hope to post that she gave me her first true smile. Oh, what a day that will be!

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.

~William Shakespeare, Othello

Sticker Fun!

Since Kelly has such a hard time with eye contact, we have to try to do some fun exercises to encourage it without making it negative or forceful.

I have been truly blessed with some of the most supportive friends and family, and one of my newer bloggy friends, Natalie, suggested we play a game where Kelly sticks stickers to my face. This is something she's done with her daughter, Elliana, and she said Elliana loves it.

Can you tell Kelly had fun?

Oh, but I think mommy had the most fun, because not only did little Kelly make eye contact with me several times, but she also smiled right at me, AND she sat still in my lap for over 10 minutes! Two weeks ago, I was highly doubtful I would ever experience any of those things with Kelly, and in one day, I experienced all three!
God works miracles every day, and this was my miracle for the day.


Even our kitty, Chloe, wanted in on the fun...But as much of a distraction as Chloe can be (Kelly adores Chloe!), Kelly still couldn't keep from putting stickers on mommy's face.

Thank you so much, Natalie, for giving me such a great, practical idea for playing with and bonding with Kelly. You have such a huge heart for children, and you are a wonderful mommy and friend.

If anyone else has any other creative ideas like this, I always love to hear them!